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How to ease your vanilla partner into dominating you

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How to ease your vanilla partner into dominating you 23

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How to ease your vanilla partner into dominating you 


Not every couple is compatible from the beginning on. For some couples, it might be the case that one of you is more experienced than the other. For other couples, the reality might be that you both have different kinks. This article will focus on the latter - specifically on couples with one vanilla partner and one submissive partner. The kink of dominance and submission is quite popular, so couples, where one partner would like to be dominated while the other has not had experience in this field, is quite common. Rest assured, we will give you helpful tips on how you can ease your partner into fulfilling your submission kink.

#1: Communication with your partner

It is absolutely crucial that you talk to your partner outside the bedroom. Sit them down at your kitchen table or in the living room to talk about your fantasy. I do not recommend talking about this in the bedroom, since the bedroom is for sleeping and sex.

#2: Create a safe environment

Start out by comforting your partner. Ensure your partner that it is absolutely fine if they don't want to try the kink. You definitely should not force your partner into a kink they feel uncomfortable doing. Nevertheless, ask them to be open-minded about the kink and let you explain how you would like to live it out. There are some partners that feel they might be viewed differently in the relationship when not agreeing to your proposed kink - assure them that this won't be the case.

#3: Explain your reasons

To many people, kink is unfamiliar territory. You might have tried being dominated but your partner is clearly new to this kink. I encourage you to explain the reasons why you fantasize about him dominating you. These reasons might be:

  1. Your desire to give up control, which is very common for people who have a lot of responsibilities in their life, such as a stressful job or taking care of your kids.
  2. You get really turned on when submitting to your partner. Your partner might be more willing to try something when they know how much it will please you.
  3. Another reason might be that being submissive is on your bucket list and you just want to know what it feels like.

#4: Just a fantasy, you are not getting bored

Your partner's first thought and worry could be "am I boring her in bed?". Clarify to your partner that this is a fetish you have and that wanting to live out the fetish has nothing to do with them.

The public sadly still thinks that BDSM is something taboo or that only a small number of the population has kinks and fetishes. But this could not be farther from the truth - BDSM has become very common and is practiced by more and more people.

#5: Does your partner have any kinks?

Ask your partner whether they have any kinks they would like to try. It can be common for people to shy away from talking about their sexual desires. If that is the case ensure them that your conversation is confidential and non-judgmental space. As mentioned try to find out what they are into: do they like anal stimulation, they could enjoy roleplay, bondage, sensation play, wax play, or the feeling of ice cubes on the skin.

Some fetishes can be combined perfectly. For example, if he enjoys roleplay costumes you could suggest a scenario with a power dynamic. Both of you could wear costumes while roleplaying a dominant/submissive scene, such as Angel and demon or Joker and Harley Quinn.

#6: Communicate what you like

You might have tried this kink before and your last partner probably had some experience with it. But especially when your new partner has not tried anything kinky yet, you ought to communicate a couple of things. Firstly tell your partner how you like to be dominated: are you into humiliation, light, spanking, safe choking, rough and fast sex, or being submissive during role play? Start with light domination at the beginning to not scare them away from the get-go. Secondly, give him some details. Let's imagine you are into spanking, tell him where you like to be spanked and how hard. This brings us to our third point: limits. Always chat about your limits. What body parts should he not spank? If you are into humiliation, you might want to tell him which names should avoid during sex.

#7: Traffic light system

Include safety in your conversation. You will be much more at ease when you agreed on a way to perfectly communicate during sex. I always recommend the "traffic light system" over a safeword or "stop". When using the traffic light system you are essentially communicating how far away your limits are via colors. When saying "green" your partner knows everything is fine, while "yellow" indicates that you are reaching your limits and they should slow down a bit. But when your partner says "red" you have to stop immediately and check in with them. I also recommend doing aftercare when one partner has used "red" to stop the sex.

#8 Aftercare

Aftercare, also known by the name "pillow talk", should be a must for all kinksters. Take some time after sex to discuss what went well and what could be improved. I know this might sound quite awkward, but trust me when done right this could even lead to another round of sex. Ask your partner how they felt during sex, what they really enjoyed and what things they do not want to do again. Be specific and give them details, or even better - show them.


I hope this article gave you some helpful tips for easing your partner into dominating you. I cannot stress this enough, but communication is the key. The more you talk about your sex life with your partner the better it will be. The second piece of advice I want to highlight is creating a safe space with your partner. Forcing them into something they do not want to try is a no-go. Nevertheless, I believe it is fine asking them to be open-minded and give it a try.

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